


Not So Useless

by orphan_account



Category: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Conversations, F/F, Genderfluid, Humor, Useless Lesbians
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-28
Updated: 2019-01-31
Packaged: 2019-10-18 04:43:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17574110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Crowley and Aziraphale, useless lesbians, each separately ask Anathema for relationship advice. The result is two romantically confused idiots and one exasperated lesbian witch.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Crowley and Aziraphale are genderfluid lesbians and they use she/her and he/him pronouns respectively. Also Aziraphale is butch. 
> 
> This fic is dedicated to all my dumbass lesbians. Y’all are so valid.

Anathema wished she had brought a book. Waiting at a two-person table in the back of the café, she wondered what exactly Crowley wanted to discuss. Crowley had already told her who they were discussing, but something told her this wouldn’t a typical catch-up with a friend (did the demon consider them as friends? Anathema thought she did). The bell fixed to the top of the entrance chimed as the door opened. Anathema looked up to see Crowley walking through the door. As soon as Crowley spotted Anathema, she started making her way over to the table. Today, Crowley wore a hot red button-down shirt with a black blazer and tie to match. Her pants were slim fitting, and she wore some high heels that she pulled off spectacularly well. Although her hair was short, it was very curly and the mass of it was gathered in a mop at the front. Needless to say, this hairstyle was very flattering on her.

As Crowley sat down across from Anathema she smiled. They exchanged greetings and talked briefly about their week and what the weather had been like, and wasn’t it a particularly sunny day outside today? Once the conversation dwindled, Crowley brushed a hand over the top of her hair and sat back into the chair, crossing her legs one knee over the other.

“Anathema…listen. I’ve been having problems expressing my feelings to Aziraphale and I feel as though you could be some help.” She looked straight at Anathema. If you stared long enough through her sunglasses, you could almost see her eyes.

“What kind of feelings?” Anathema asked innocently. Just the other day ago, Crowley had called Anathema and asked if they could have a little chat about Aziraphale. It was of the utmost importance that they did so, she said. Of course, Anathema obliged, feeling the need to return the favor after Crowley had assisted her with a demonic ritual gone wrong. From the phone call alone and from her own personal observations, Anathema could tell that Crowley was into Aziraphale— _that_ much was obvious. However, she didn’t want to outright say it just yet.

Crowley sighed. “Well—” Anathema felt as if Crowley should have blushed here, but she wasn’t sure if snakes could blush, “—as you know, Aziraphale and I have always been close. Not exactly always as friends, per say, but that’s complicated. Right now, though, I think we’ve been closer than we ever have been before. The world almost ending made me realize that.” A moment’s silence. “I guess what I’m trying to say is… I love Aziraphale. Romantically. And I want to let him know.”

Anathema nodded, tapping her fingers on the table. She was never too good at relationship advice but still wanted to help her friend out. “I think you should start by telling him, then. I’m sure he reciprocates your feelings. Even if he doesn’t this is obviously bothering you, so it’s best to just let him know how you’re feeling.”

“You don’t understand, that’s the entire issue here! I’ve confessed to him several times but I’m not sure he realizes I was confessing. Just the other day ago at the bookstore I told him that I loved him and cherished him as a companion, but all he did was beam at me and say ‘Thank you my dear, I love you too. Could you pass me that book over there?’ I’m not sure how much more explicit I can _be_ without embarrassing myself.”

Anathema almost laughed, but her pity for Crowley stopped her. “If Aziraphale is that oblivious then I’m afraid you’re going to _have_ to be more explicit. Or, maybe if you don’t want to confess anymore you could do something else to demonstrate your love.”

“Such as?”

“I don’t know. Ask him out on a date, I guess?”

Crowley looked thoughtful. “Hmm. A date.”

She planted both feet onto the floor and leaned over on the table with an elbow, resting her chin on her hand as she did so. 

“I’m sure I could do that. The issue is that we spend so much time together already. And even if we did go on a date, I’m rendered absolutely useless around him. The things he says just catch me off guard and give me butterflies in my stomach. I mean—the other day we were going to feed the ducks together, which we always do of course, but as we held hands and walked to the park—”

“Holding hands?”

“Yes, can I continue? Anyway, as we made our way over there I noticed that Aziraphale seemed a bit nervous so I asked him what was the matter. He wouldn’t budge but eventually vented to me about some new bullshit that Heaven is making him do. I _was_ going to let him know that I’d be there for him no matter what, not just as a friend but as a partner. Well, whenever I think I’m about to lay my feelings out clearly for him, he just does something so wonderfully idiotic that makes me fall head over heels for him.” Crowley seemed embarrassed. “Anyway, as he was complaining about Gabriel Aziraphale looked at me and stopped. He smiled at me and said ‘You have freckles!’ If I’m being honest, I have no clue where that came from seeing as I didn’t have any freckles (maybe there was something on my face?), but since then I miracled some onto myself. He seems to like them a lot so I’ve just kept them, you know?” Anathema noticed that Crowley did indeed have some freckles scattered on her cheeks.

“I’m not sure I do know, but please go on.”

“Anyway, that’s my issue. Anytime I express my feelings for Aziraphale or get close to doing it something just _happens_ that makes it completely fly over his head. I don’t know what to do.”

Anathema sighed. “Well, I don’t really know what else to tell you, seeing as I’ve exhausted my supply of relationship advice.” This conversation was going to be much longer than she initially expected, wasn’t it? “Maybe just try being flirtier with him…”


	2. Chapter 2

A bell chimed as the door of the café entrance opened. Expecting someone, Anathema looked up from her book and removed her bag from the other chair at the table. Aziraphale looked around the café and spotted Anathema, seeming relieved when he did so. He made his way quickly to the table Anathema was at and pulled out a chair for himself.

“So.” Anathema closed her book and pushed it to the side of the table. “You said you wanted to talk about a problem you were having?” Over the phone, Aziraphale had insisted that they needed to talk over a very serious matter. Of course, Anathema obliged. After Aziraphale had helped to get rid of a plague of frogs that descended upon her house, she felt the need to return the favor. That, and she wanted to know how things were going between Aziraphale and Crowley.

Aziraphale’s hair was notably longer today but not by much, his curls extending just to the chin. Other than that, however, there was no real difference in the way in which he presented himself. He wore the same old wonderfully tacky fashion he always did.

After he sat down, Aziraphale nervously fiddled with his bowtie, not really looking Anathema in the eye. He finally forced himself to look at her straight in the face. “Listen Anathema, you have to help me. I think—I think Crowley _likes_ me!”

Anathema squinted, knowing exactly where this was going but not wanting to make any assumptions just yet. “Well! I’d sure _hope_ so. You two have known each other for…what, hundreds of years? Thousands? I certainly think she considers you a very close friend.”

“No, er…well. Of course she _likes_ me (or at least I think she does), but…you know…I’m starting to get the impression that Crowley might be romantically interested in me.”

Anathema nodded sagely, stirring her cup of tea with a spoon. “And what makes you say that?”

“Okay. So Crowley regularly expresses to me how much she likes me, which, thank God for that, since I used to never really be sure if she appreciated me, you know? Earlier this week I was visiting her apartment and I had sat down on one of the couches to read a book. Crowley will usually sit nearby just to give me company, but this time she literally sat on my lap and said ‘You dumbass angel. I like you. _Like_ like you.’ Now, I’m not sure she’s ever expressed that kind of interest in me before. I don’t know if she was being mischievous or particularly friendly, or if she actually likes me!”

“…Aziraphale. Are you hearing yourself speak?”

“Yes, I _know_ it sounds stupid, but I’m just not sure where Crowley’s feelings lie.”

“You’re telling me that none of Crowley’s other confessions made you realize she might like you?”

“Pardon?”

Anathema almost kicked herself. “Never mind. The point is, if you’re so worried about this you should think about _why_ she’s going out of her way to give you more attention. I know that you and Crowley have been spending almost every waking moment together for… a while now. But don’t you think this is a sign she might be interested in taking the next step? She does basically everything with you.”

“Don’t normal friends do that though? You know, go to the park, eat dinner every week, maybe get a few drinks… Even when we’re not out we make Casual Gestures of Friendship, like giving each other random kisses on the cheek. Nothing out of the ordinary.”

“When you put it like that, I think the answer should be obvious.” She paused. “But why do you feel unsure about this, is the question. Is there something else you’re still doubtful about?”

Aziraphale sighed, inspecting a crease on his shirt sleeve. “Well, yes. I know I’m her friend, but there’s just some things that make me question whether Crowley really appreciates me as a person. She cares about me, but I’m…I guess insecure would be the closest word for it. I’m not sure how I should be interpreting her social cues. For example, one night as we were about to go to the Ritz I felt particularly fancy, so I put on my best outfit. Crowley was waiting for me at the bookstore entrance, but after I came down and asked her how I looked she had the nerve to just _gawk_ at me!” Aziraphale sniffed. “You should have seen her. Her jaw was like an unhinged snake. I understand that my sense of fashion may not be to Crowley’s taste, but she didn’t have to be so rude about it! She had a weird expression on her face, and when I asked her what the matter was she said that she hadn’t expected me to look like that.” Aziraphale leaned on the table with his elbow and put a hand to his forehead. “She’s a valuable friend but I just don’t understand her sometimes.”

“I honestly don’t even know where to start with all of that.”

“Neither do I. I’d like to think Crowley and I are close but then she does the most confusing things to throw me off. Another example: when we do things together we usually make plans without much ceremony to it, but earlier this week Crowley made a big show of asking me if I would be so honored to accompany her to a theatre performance. She already knows I’m glad to go most of the time, but the way she asked me was very odd, as if she expected something from me.”

“Aziraphale, I think Crowley was asking you out on a _date_.”

“Oh yes I obviously know _that_ , we go on dates all the time, but what I want to know is where does our relationship stand? Do you think she wants to be something more than friends, or am I looking too much into this?”

Anathema sighed deeply and buried her face into her hands. _I can’t handle this anymore_ , she thought to herself. “Aziraphale. Straight up, I think you should just go up to Crowley and tell her that you like her. Not as a friend. As a partner, a romantic one.”

Bewildered, Aziraphale’s eyes widened. “That _I_ like her? Oh, no. You think that I…oh. _Oh_.” He blushed, covering his mouth with his hand. “I suppose I do like her, don’t I…”

“Yes, you do! I think that much is obvious.”

Overcome with emotion, Aziraphale sat back in his chair and ran a hand over the back of his head. Finally, he gave a big smile. “I never realized that I...Well. That certainly changes things, doesn’t it? But…” Aziraphale bit his lip. “I mean, I obviously came over to talk to you because Crowley might like me, but what if she actually doesn’t? What if I’ve been interpreting all of her signals wrong, or she just wants to stay as friends? What if I make a fool of myself for nothing?”

Anathema recalled the conversation she had a week ago with Crowley. This problem would have been so easy to settle, only if Anathema didn’t feel the need to keep Crowley’s feelings a secret. She felt as if this matter should be resolved between the two of them, rather than behind Crowley’s back. Anathema didn’t know what to say, but finally settled down on something: “Even if you did, it wouldn’t have been for nothing. It would have been for love. It’s a sacrifice worth making.”

Aziraphale took this into consideration and nodded, smiling ear to ear. “You’re right. I think…I think I’d better go know” Suddenly invigorated, he stood up and started to put on his coat. “Oh, and Anathema? Thank you for chatting with me. I appreciate it. I’m going to having a meaningful conversation with Crowley tonight."


End file.
